(Please take the time to read this statement. You'll be glad that you did.)

Now, I want you to remember that no dumb bastard ever won a match by dying for his team. He won it by making
the other poor dumb bastard die for his team. Ladies, all this stuff you’ve heard about Battlefield 3 being a crap
game, a console rip off, is a load of horse dung. Battlefield players traditionally love to fight. All real PC players love the sting of battle. When you were noobs, you all admired the Heli-Whore, the deadliest tank, the toughest clan,
and the best jet pilot. Battlefield players love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. We play to win all the time. I
wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a hacker who lost and laughed. That’s why Mouse-Using players have never lost to a controller and will always stay with the PC version. Because the very thought of conceding to the console is
hateful to us.

Now, Battlefield 3 is a team game. It lives, eats, sleeps, and fights as a team game. This individuality stuff is a
bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the MW3 Magazine
don’t know anything more about real battle than they do about fornicating with a Noob-Tube!

Us players have the finest PC’s, the best gaming spirit, and most talented players in the world. You know, I
actually pity all the Call of Duty deserting bastards we’ll be up against. I do. We’re not just going to shoot the
bastards in the Hard Drive, we’re going to cut out their GPU’s and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.
We’re going to murder those lousy trash talking, corner camping, bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you new players on our side are wondering whether or not you'll shit yourself under fire. Don't worry about it. When you experience our tanks rolling past you and our rockets buzzing by, and our aircraft flying
overhead, you’ll be gaming for three days straight without a toilet break anyways. I can assure you, that you will all do your duty. Whoever the enemy is, wade into them. Spill their cooling liquid. Shoot them in the RAM. When
you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your dry genitalia, you'll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we're camping.
We're not holding anything, we'll let the enemy do that. We are advancing constantly, and we're not interested in
holding onto anything except the enemy. Kick their camping ass! Then kick the hell out of them again and again.
Blow their hiding ass out of the building with the very explosives DICE gave you. Just for good measure, run over
that enemy dumdass with a tank and watch the words rush out of their raging mouth, like crap goes through a
goose.

Now, there's one thing that you players will be able to say when you emerge from your room, and you may thank
DICE for it. Three days from now when you're sitting around at Starbucks, waiting for your mochobitchtay, stealing
their wifi, and posting some comment on YouTube, you'll be able to comment with pride. You won't have to say,
"Well, I sprayed my bullets like the shit I took after eating at Taco Bell because I am playing with a console
controller." Alright now, you sons of bitches, you know how I feel. We will be proud to lead the other players into
battle anytime, anywhere. We will be proud to get the dirty work done for the other classes so they can go frolic
around the Battlefield shooting at random things without the threat of a tank running their joyful ass over, or so
those Wookie bastards don't get chopped up by a helicopter and can scream about that headshot they got for
camping a spot for a near hour before actually providing something that helps the team win, if at all.

Well, that's all.

(Protect the Castle)

MY JOB is to fuck YOUR shit up! And boy, business has been aBoomin'! [Engineer]